*To Some Ex's

February 3, 2012

Dear A:
Remember how we "went out" in high school but we never kissed and I cried when I told you after 3 days of holding hands that it wasn't going to work? Remember how we stood by the French class portables and weren't too torn up about the whole thing anyhow? Just so we're clear- I never would have put out so it was probably for the best that you moved on.

Dear M:
First off, you should know that I am not the same 18-year-old you once dated. I got rid of that car, those pants, and my talent of communicating in the most vague way possible. Turns out I wasn't as mysterious or sneaky as I thought I was. I apologize for my hot and then cold antics and for being so incredibly jealous when you started dating other people. I also apologize for being so irrationally angry at you when I found out you had been trying to break up with me long before I broke up with you. For the record, as my first kiss and my first boyfriend, you were fantastic. Thank you for being that experience for me- I needed it so that I could know that I was lovable.

Dear S:
I have to add you to this blog post but I really don't want to because I wrote you so many embarrassing letters in the past. Out of everyone I dated before my husband, I loved you the most. You, and Shawn Bailey from 6th grade. I loved you so much, I was CRAZY. Really...really crazy. I look back on our past much-too-young relationship and I just cringe at how obnoxious I was. I think about our break-up and how I used to call you and hang-up when you answered like some deranged stalker. You probably could have gotten a restraining order or something. My husband laughs at these stories because he can't believe that I was ever that big of an idiot. I pray that I will never have to talk to you face to face because even though I can laugh with my husband, I am still pretty embarrassed. The worst part is that I was your first girlfriend and you married the girl you dated after me. This not only makes me a crazy ex-girlfriend, but the one and ONLY crazy ex-girlfriend. I am your story at parties. I am the one your wife pities. You never think at the time about what memory you're becoming. Sigh. 

Dear C:
Do you ever wonder what would have happened if we left Alaska and lived by each other? Do you think we would have worked out? I can't even formulate that into a daydream becauce sometimes, I don't even think you're a real person. Are you just another northern light I danced with?. An especially enchanting moon-lit bike ride?  Are you the fabric of a secluded moment in the mountains? I was pretty confused when I got to Alaska, but you let me put myself together again without trying to help/fix me at all. You showed me that life and earth and our bodies are all incredibly simple- that's why you thought EVERYTHING was so wonderful. We never really connected on a deep, emotional level but I hold you dear anyway. You are a part of Alaska to me. And Alaska and I were in love.

Dear T:
I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry that you thought I moved to your city so we could get to know each other and get married. I'm sorry I led you on like crazy even though I had zero intention of every having a serious future with you. You were this sick experiment I had. I wondered how far I could push someone away before asking them to com back. That wasn't fair to you.  I was incredibly desperate to be loved and you give me my fix. I used you and I feel sick about it. Whenever I think about the cruelest thing I have ever done, I think about that last email I wrote you. I promised myself I would never treat another man the way I treated you. Thank you for enduring me so I could beat you up enough to learn that I could be a horrible person- and then never be that person again. 

Dear A:
You're not technically my ex, are you? We never seriously dated, did we? Then why do I feel like I should add you to this? Perhaps, because for 3 months after my mission, you were the best friend I could have asked for. I know that life made it so we couldn't be friends any longer, but I want you to know that I say nothing but good things about you. You were one of the greatest friends I ever had. You wrote me poetry I didn't appreciate. You sat and listened with sincerity as I said whatever came to my mind. I loved the way you were up for anything, anytime. I always knew we weren't meant for each other- which is why I was THRILLED when you found a cute wife that loves you so much. You deserve to have all the love you put into this world come right back to you.